Where Are They Now? Part Two: Teague
Ruth Bieber-Stanley 鈥21
This post is the second installment of my 鈥淲here are they now?鈥 series, a collection of conversations with former 91直播 bloggers about their first years as 91直播 alumni. See my first post with alum Kira here.
In my second conversation in this series, I chatted with friend Teague Harvey, whose work I read when I was a wee high school student dreaming of becoming an Obie. Teague (he/him) hails originally from New Plymouth, New Zealand, although he moved around a lot during his childhood (you can read more about that on his archived blog here). While at 91直播, Teague was a Dance and Computer Science double major and was heavily involved in the circus and dance scenes, even teaching a Tumbling and Tricking ExCo (which I took!). After spending some time in Seattle, Washington, and then Santa Fe, New Mexico, Teague now lives in Portland, Oregon, and is training to become an educator while doing coding work for a small online sports merchandise company. He still goes to parks to practice flips.
T: Hey!
R: Hello! So, how are you in this crazy, crazy world we live in?
T: Hmmm鈥 (pauses). I don鈥檛 know. It鈥檚 a weird time to come to adulthood and try to find personal meaning. I think the people that are our age that are going out into the world, class of 2019, class of 2020, your class--we have a lot on our plate. Somehow the challenges feel bigger鈥 I had this wonderful phone Alexander lesson yesterday, where basically the idea was that if we can better regulate our nervous systems, we can have more access to information, and we鈥檒l have the 鈥渁ha鈥 moments about what we鈥檙e supposed to do in moments like these.
I think the answer lies somewhere in that reflection鈥 I鈥檓 trying to continually reframe my perspective in my life right now. If I鈥檓 being selfish for a minute, this is the hardest period of my life, maybe ever. I moved to Portland intentionally seeking some things that I didn鈥檛 have in Santa Fe, or Seattle鈥 graduation is enough of a discombobulation, so I let myself be discombobulated for like 6 months and just go wherever seemed to make the most sense, but then I chose to take action and put roots down鈥 I wanted to answer all of these personal questions, which I thought moving would solve. That led to being in a brand new place during a pandemic, and now this civil unrest/huge protest movement鈥 so yeah, it sucks sometimes, but I鈥檓 trying to view that as an opportunity. If I can regulate myself right now, my meaning will become apparent, maybe. Basically if I can handle this moment with intention, I鈥檓 going to live a great life, I can handle anything. It鈥檚 a big challenge, it鈥檚 a big opportunity.
R: Yeah, I was going to say that. If you can make it through this, you鈥檒l be fine!
T: I do have support systems, but not in the way I did at 91直播鈥 It鈥檚 kind of truly in the deep end. But as the challenges rise, so does my ability to deal with them, I think.
R: Resilience!
T: How are you doing?
R: I鈥檓 actually fine? I鈥檝e been pretty focused this week 鈥 It鈥檚 really hard not to fall into the trap of 鈥淚 feel good about myself because I was productive today,鈥 but I also have a pretty substantial project I have to do for this German class鈥 That鈥檚 pretty much been my week, just doing research for this project and watching Avatar [The Last Airbender] with my sister, which has been pretty great (laughs).
T: Yeah, I just started mine as well! (laughs)
R: I sort of have a routine now, not in a way that I feel restrained by it.
T: Structure can be SO valuable, which I get through my job: bugs are always thrown at me and I have all these projects I have to build, problems to solve.
R: Is that for the sports merchandise website?
T: Yeah, the company sells coasters and merchandise with sports plays on them. What gives me satisfaction is that it鈥檚 a small, family-owned business鈥 Some of the reviews are like 鈥淭his was the last game I watched with my dad before he died.鈥 So, you know, I might have a relationship with these objects that is very functional鈥ut I get it, they鈥檙e meaningful to some people. Mainly what鈥檚 good enough right now is that I have a job that I can rely on and that is flexible and pays the bills. I just want to get through COVID.
R: There it is, folks (laughs).
T: Yeah, survival is the most important thing.
R: Are you still doing Alexander [Technique] stuff right now?
T: Yeah, our trainings went online. I鈥檝e been taking lessons when I can. We were supposed to have our next training this coming week, which is like: Oh. I鈥檝e been a different person and lived in different places for all those trainings鈥nstead of semesters, they鈥檙e that broad picture for me right now, since they happen every 3-4 months. I still want that medium chunk of time to be demarcated somehow. I kind of miss that, semesters were an easy way to do it.
R: Oh yeah, semesters are good for that. It鈥檚 so weird to think about going back to 91直播, because I鈥檓 excited, but I know it鈥檚 going to be so different. I know that so many of the things I love about the school aren鈥檛 going to be happening. I鈥檓 not going to be going to contra dances, or concerts鈥 it鈥檚 a weird thing. And with everything that鈥檚 happening in our country right now...
T: I think it鈥檚 a period of everyone鈥檚 lives where鈥t鈥檚 a huge belief-recentering, especially for someone with privilege: not only is the status quo unreliable, it鈥檚 not even a good thing, it鈥檚 got its problems that we鈥檝e gotta improve upon, somehow.
It鈥檚 one thing to know that the sun will explode in a couple million years and wipe out human civilization鈥 but generally it鈥檚 pretty reasonable to assume that the Western society that I grew up in has done its job, I will probably get to do some of the things my parents did... but I don鈥檛 believe that anymore鈥 the pandemic shows up, we鈥檙e fighting for Black lives鈥 and climate change on the horizon? It鈥檚 not a logical assumption that things will be the way they are, i.e. safe and comfortable, because that鈥檚 the way they鈥檝e been for some people. And that鈥檚 a scary and painful realization, but also kind of freeing. If things are going to change, then I can change too. Or things can change for good. Or, if the sea level rises and we all drown and the world goes to shit, at least then maybe we can have a little perspective and enjoy breakfast a little more.
R: Yeah, that makes sense.
T: If things were always the same and predictable, and you were just a capitalist drone鈥hat鈥檚 not how we evolved to live!
R: No!
T: You know what鈥檚 crazy, is to see people I know who aren鈥檛 Obies posting conservative propaganda鈥 it鈥檚 just, ugh! Not only is 鈥渕aybe there are problems in our society鈥 the empathic answer, it鈥檚 also just the one that makes the most sense. There are riots: people are angry. Oh, there鈥檚 a problem! (laughs) Maybe we should acknowledge that instead of saying 鈥渢he problem is the people rioting.鈥 Like, our starting point should be - these emotions came from somewhere, let鈥檚 talk about it as a society - not ignoring the problem.
R: Wow, that鈥檚 really real.
T: When I was on 91直播鈥檚 campus, I felt like I wasn鈥檛 radical, or not very active, at least compared to the most radical and active鈥 I hadn鈥檛 figured out for myself what my meaning was, I chose to listen more. I went to every commencement鈥 and all the commencement speakers say some version of, 鈥測ou go out and you make change in the world... this is an institution that imbues these values," and you hear that as a student and think, whatever dude, I just go to class and do shit I think is important or cool, but you don鈥檛 really get it. I mean, for crying out loud our slogan is 鈥榯hink one person can change the world?鈥 Sounds exhausting.
And then you go out in the world, and it鈥檚 like鈥h my god! I mean, _____ [Teague鈥檚 old roommate and close friend] is even less of an activist type than me鈥 he believed in all these things at 91直播, but he felt similarly to how I felt, and we had conversations about how people sometimes guilt or shame others into action in a way that isn鈥檛 super productive鈥 but even he has texted me a lot recently like 鈥淲ow dude, we really do gotta change this system. Fuck Capitalism!鈥 (laughs).
R: I totally relate to everything you鈥檙e saying! I think when you leave 91直播 there鈥檚 a moment of 鈥淥h WOW, my values and the way I think about stuff really is different from how it used to be!鈥
T: Yeah, but it鈥檚 not indoctrination, which is really important.
R: Yes, totally. It鈥檚 all good things. I think I started to notice that when I went to Germany and I was with students who weren鈥檛 Obies. It was like, woah, the 91直播 liberal arts education is so different鈥(laughs)鈥nd so is the way I am in the classroom and the way I think about things鈥 And now being home and seeing how everything is playing out with the pandemic, and recently with all the action against police violence and racism鈥 feel like since I鈥檓 isolated from 91直播 the ways in which the 91直播 education has affected me are more apparent. And I think so much of that isn鈥檛 even necessarily 鈥淚 took this class and it changed the way I think.鈥 I think a lot of it is that I鈥檓 just around people and students who talk about things in a different way. It鈥檚 a result of knowing people and having conversations, not as much taking a class in a specific department.
T: Yeah, you hit the nail on the head. Before I graduated, I tried to do some sort of reflection, because I remember one of my first classes was about what makes a liberal arts education a liberal arts education. And even though we had those requirements, like two humanities classes or whatever, that doesn鈥檛 do it somehow鈥 Maybe critics of liberal arts are right: maybe not everyone at 91直播 goes on to be someone who tries to change the world or gets this 鈥渨ell rounded education,鈥 but I still think it works... It鈥檚 not that we鈥檙e indoctrinated, it鈥檚 more like it鈥檚 a petri dish where people care so much about so many things! Everything I鈥檝e been learning right now about myself and how to be effective in the world鈥t鈥檚 because I care. And I鈥檓 really not saying that for woke points. That happens at 91直播 for sure, but we really do care, and I choose to believe that鈥檚 better than the alternative鈥nd it can be totally overwhelming鈥ecause lots of people don鈥檛 seem to care as much, and that hurts鈥f we get the tools to take care of ourselves鈥hen it leads to meaning and purpose and feeling鈥here鈥檚 more to life than just sitting out. And Obies don鈥檛 sit out.
R: No, they sure don鈥檛 (laughs).
T: When we think about creating change, if I had any advice鈥t鈥檚 to ask ourselves 鈥渨hat if this thing I鈥檓 trying to change so much never changed?鈥 鈥 think we delude ourselves into thinking, oh, if I could just change myself, it鈥檒l all be good鈥ut what if that never changed? Then there鈥檚 an after to the realization that there鈥檚 always going to be injustice in the world or the realization that I have this quality about myself or this pattern that I recognize that I don鈥檛 like in some way...it鈥檚 a hard question to say鈥nd I鈥檓 talking on a very individual level here鈥hat is your relationship to it?
I鈥檝e had to figure out last weekend [nationwide riots and protests had just started] my relationship to the idea 鈥渢here will always be injustice.鈥 What do I do about that? 鈥 I have to find a way to live with that sustainably and morally鈥hat is fulfilling and significant鈥nd those aren鈥檛 questions you ask of others, they鈥檙e things you ask of yourself鈥
Ok, I feel like I covered my bases there. I know you just listened for a minute, but if there鈥檚 something in this blog鈥t鈥檚 something about how the personal questions never end and we have to live with our answers (which might be ever changing), and that sometimes it will be really painful, but you have to do that shit to find meaning鈥
R: 鈥e鈥檝e talked about this before, these big existential questions (laughs)鈥 Lots to think about鈥 I think I know what the important pieces here are鈥 You鈥檙e being represented here as much as I am, but that felt authentic to me. I feel like when we actually became friends, which was your last semester at 91直播, I feel like we didn鈥檛 have these types of conversations. I feel like the first extended conversation we had was in Mudd [the library] and I wanted to say goodbye to you, and we talked for an hour and a half or something. It was a good model for conversations since then (laughs)鈥 I feel like in this conversation we had just now you were more serious. Not in a bad way!
T: Things are serious right now.
R: I do think the tone of the conversation today has to do with the fact that the world is a flaming dumpster fire right now.
T: Shit! (laughs) We can鈥檛 avoid it! We didn鈥檛 even get out of COVID before this other stuff happened!
R: 鈥t鈥檚 such a different world鈥 I remember someone saying it was the first March in ten years or something that there hadn鈥檛 been a school shooting, because none of the kids were in school. And so now as things lighten up, the fact that even with the reduced amount of human contact this [police violence] is still happening makes it feel stronger.
T: My dad, who鈥檚 a psychologist, told me about this idea Freud had [disclaimer that Freud鈥檚 ideas are not uniformly accurate or scientific but are still important to modern psychology]鈥fter growing up during WWI and was trying to explain what he saw鈥nd what he came up with was a dichotomy of the human spirit: there鈥檚 Eros, which is sex/passion/joy/love stuff鈥nd the other one is Thanatos, which is the destructive energy鈥nd we鈥檙e very much in a Thanatos stage. So, I feel that in myself too right now, a bit, and maybe some of that is necessary鈥nd that鈥檚 just the way it is鈥 But we鈥檙e gonna have to find our way back to some Eros as well. There鈥檚 still an after, an after COVID, an after the riots, and an after November鈥 So, we鈥檙e in for a ride. Whatever it is. I hope that next time we talk鈥aybe we鈥檒l bring some Eros back into the world.
R: Well, I still enjoyed our conversation, even if it wasn鈥檛 the same as it always is, but neither is the world we鈥檙e living in right now, so it makes sense. Thank you for chatting and hang in there!
T: I鈥檒l be fine! Bye, Ruth!
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