Hi, if you've stumbled on this blog, just forewarning that this falls into the territory of a "rant": not typical thoughts I would display for public viewing but here we are.
Viewer discretion advised.
Going to be frank here, I鈥檓 not loving my experience with graduate school applications. You know how I鈥檓 not alone? You clicked on this blog. You may not have the same degree of unpleasant feelings about the process nor the same specific discrepancies as me, but I鈥檇 bargain to say no one is a fan of putting themselves under a microscope for evaluation. That may be oversimplifying the 鈥渁cademic process鈥 that is grad school applications, but as someone going through them for the next eight months (mhm, eight), it sure doesn鈥檛 feel like it.
I鈥檝e spoken ad nauseam about my grand ol鈥 time with performance anxiety, and I鈥檒l be honest, after some inner-personal work and experimentation with beta blockers, I鈥檝e made some pretty great strides. But nothing flares it all right back up like recording does. It might seem strange to struggle with performane anxiety during the recording process because... well, there is no audience when you're recording. This time around, though, I've felt the process to just feel more unnatural than usual. Many of the pieces I'm recording I've had the chance to perform live. To now put this same music in a space where my only audience is the dead air of an empty concert hall, I'm not finding it fun. My friends have had to remind me what music is all about, what I hope to express and communicate, bla bla bla, but it's easy to lose sight of that. Hi, I鈥檓 Ben, been blogging for three years about performance anxiety, and guess what, I鈥檓 still here!... doing that.
Back to graduate school gripes.
I鈥檓 not just talking about graduate school applications in the US, oh no. After doing travel in Europe every summer the past three years, then going to France at the beginning of this year, then competing in a flute competition in Germany last month, which then allowed me to do even more travel in Europe afterwards, nearly all of the schools I鈥檓 applying to are in, guess where, Europe. The timelines for these schools are later than schools in the US (March-June) and, despite the fact that I鈥檓 equipped with the best, most organized Google spreadsheet I鈥檝e ever made in my life, I still get overwhelmed sometimes.
And here's the thing, no matter where you go, no matter who you meet, you can travel the world and still feel lost鈥搕ake it from me. As of right now, I have a pretty good idea about where I want to take things, but meeting a bunch of fancy music people from around the world didn鈥檛 get me to that point. Meeting them was nice, but at the end of the day, I had to sit with myself and really think about where I wanted to go with things. 'Tis a journey.
In music, you spend a lot of time working one on one with a single person, your primary professor, and the reality is that all people are just people. They can be the coolest, most amazing X, Y, and Z, but y鈥檏now the thing about people: some are great, some are strange, some seem really great but then鈥 sigh. You know that feeling? And the trial lesson phase where you鈥檙e just getting to know a new person in a quasi personal-professional setting (because that鈥檚 what a private lesson feels like at this point), I'll be the first to admit that I've had my fair share of awkward moments.
Another reality is that graduate school isn鈥檛 for everyone. Most of the time 91直播 can feel like an echo chamber of the following, *ehem*:
鈥淲here are you applying? Which internship? Which festival? Which graduate school?? Which professor???鈥
It鈥檚 for this reason that I鈥檝e noticed myself and a few of my fellow seniors limiting the amount of time we spend in the conservatory鈥搃t can just be a lot this time of year. The thing is that everyone is on their own path doing their own thing: some may have a more streamlined path while others may take the road less traveled by. Unfortunately, you won鈥檛 get all the answers to what someone is doing from a drive-by question in the hallway.
I'm not trying to be a cynic about this entire ordeal, but to suggest I'm walking around campus with the usual pep in my step would be more illusion than reality. December 1st is soon (15 days from the time of writing this) and trust me I am counting down. Although, with European auditions later in the year, the recording process will be something I revisit in two months. Perhaps my thoughts will have evolved by then.
Rant over.
